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BALLANCE
BIO |
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Time Magazine said: "Bill Ballance has many imitators but no rivals" |
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Herewith, the official Sweet Life and Swell Times of Bill, who was born in Peoria, Illinois on the banks of the Illinois river (anything to sav e room rent), to which his great-grandfather, Charles Ballance, floated in 1830 to settle (Charles was a lawyer who later road the circuit with Abraham Lincoln) French claims. Bill claims that, when he was growing up there, the height of the cultural season was the arrival of a Painted Turtle. After hustling magazines and a newspaper route and graduating from Peoria, High, he sped over to the University of Illinois, joined Beta Theta Pi fraternity became Junior Editor of The Daily Illinois, earned a solo-pilot's license and, after graduation, became a staff announcer at KOA, Denver. He then enlisted in the Marine Corps and was sent almost immediately to OCS, Quantico, from whence he was graduated as a 2nd Lieutenant; he became a combat officer and ended his service as a captain. He then returned to KOA announcing (mainly news) until offered his own TV show in Chicago (WBKB-TV) - which then propelled him to Hollywood and his own daily and nightly broadcasts on KNX-CBS. Then, for the next 10 glorious years, he was one of Chuck Blore's Seven Swinging Gentlemen on KFWB, followed by his invention of the Bill Ballance Feminine Forum - an all-talk format which engendered more than 500 copiers nationwide within the first of its 25 years duration . . . . a wildly-successful broadcast during which he wrote his best-selling book "Bill Ballance Reveals How To Cope In Situations Of Utter Copelessness", which went through six printings (because he prints very slowly) . . . . partly because of his colorful language in print and on the air - "here I am, grabbing at the phones like a mad squirrel harvesting nuts in a blizzard. . ." and a lengthy series of Ballance Truisms: "The cuckoo who is on to himself is half way out of the clock." Ballance lives in an unstintingly pretentious mansion by the sea where, every morning, you will find him on the boardwalk, bounding along in a high, senile prance, flaunting a physique at which gentle, unawakened women sob aloud with simulated desire and cling to lampposts for support, squeezing their veils with excitement. Being a vigorous man of the future, Bill has joined the cyber-revolution by inventing the world's first treadle-operated computer, a device bristling with insights such as: "Always Tolerate The Whims Of The Solvent" and " A Perpetual Indifference Means An Eventual Goodbye". Bill has two splendid sons, Jim and Kurt, and it's true that Bill and Gary Owens bear a flagrant resemblance to one another - in fact, they are living proof that Hopalong Cassidy and Loretta Young were more than just good friends.
